Crash and Burn
by EE's Skysong
Summary: John, Wanda, Remy, Rogue, Piotr, and Kitty hang out in a bar. John and Wanda discuss stereotypes, koalas and juvenile hall. Oddness ensues. Mostly Jonda, but partial Romy and Kiotr too. R&R!


Disclaimer: You're so fit and you know it So don't turn me down 'Cause I've got no car and I've got no money

(An: One of those ideas that's been spinning around in my brain and now has an outlet since I feel too lazy to work on something else... Emphasisis bold and italics are thought... you know the deal, don't you?)

"Look at that. It's just not fair."

"What're y' complainin' about?"

"Think hard. Reeeal hard, Remy. Look around you. What don't I have?" This was St. John Allerdyce, referred to as Pyro, or if you were his friend, John. He was pissed. Why he was so pissed was a bit harder to explain. "Look at them." He gestured at three girls sitting at a booth across from their seats at the bar.

"Who, me an' Pete's dates?" Remy asked.

"Well, yeah, but more their friend."

"Who, Wanda?"

"Yeah. That one. Look. It's not fair, mate. There she is, the most bangin' available sheila... and she's not drunk."

"What's the matter wit' dat?" Remy asked.

"Think about it mate- she's been here an hour and a half chatting with **your** sheila, and she hasn't had a sip, and she's turned down every date offered. I don't have a chance unless she's drunk. It's just. Not. Fair."

Remy shook his head. "You have no self-esteem, do y'?"

John's response was a glare.

"Jus' go ask her," said Remy. "'m not in rant mode tonight. In de meantime, I got t' go bug _ma chere_."

"He sucks," John muttered.

He sighed. Remy was fearless... mainly because he had empathy that could make any girl fall for him by just smiling at her and suggesting it. _Godammit! Even Pete's got a date, and I'm bloody stuck 'ere watchin' Remy and him make eyes at Rogue and Kitty... this sucks._

John stirred his drink, gazing into it. He glanced over at Rogue, Kitty, and Wanda's table again. Rogue was attempting to beat Remy to a pulp with her purse. Wanda and Kitty were laughing._ Eh, same old, same old... god she's gorgeous._

Piotr sat down beside him, holding a drink of his own. "Are you going to sit here all night?"

"Most likely," John replied. "Why don't you go save Remy?"

"Because Kitty is over there, and she'll expect me to pay attention when she gossips, and as much as I like her, I do not think I have the attention span right now."

John snorted.

"Why are you just sitting here?"

"Because there's no candles in this fuckin' place, Remy took my lighter and my keys, and basically I'm stuck here until he stops flirting with Rogue... considering that her curfew's not until eleven and it's only eight now, that could be a while... damn I'm bored..."

Kitty glanced over at the bar and began making motions that Piotr should join them. "Maybe she has changed the subject..." He gave John a "what-can-you-do?" shrug and headed over.

John moaned and was about to hit the bartender up for another drink, when Wanda sat down on the stool next to him. "Hi," she said, oh-so-calmly. "Pyro, right?"

"Um..." said John, utterly shocked that the object of his interest would join him with so little qualm. "Er, it's John."

"John?" Wanda echoed, getting a soda. "That's your real name?"

"Yeah," said John, confused now as well as shocked. "What?"

Wanda was now staring at him. "It's just... you don't seem normal enough to be called a John."

John blinked. "Well, um, technically, my name is **St.** John."

"That's even weirder," Wanda replied. "Why don't you just say what your name is from the get-go?"

"Nobody ever gets the pronunciation right," John moaned. "In Aussie Land, St. John works out to be pronounced as 'Singein'. But to explain all that's a bother, so I just stick with John. Why are you over here?"

Wanda gestured at their mutual friends. "I feel like a fifth wheel, all dateless and crap- and besides, Rogue misses with her purse. Sitting between her and Remy is a liability lawsuit waiting to happen." She took a sip of her drink, then looked at him again. "Are you gay?"

John, who had also been taking a drink, choked. "Wh-what! Why in HELL would you think that!"

Wanda shrugged. "Well, it's just, the only people you talk to here are guys, you live with guys, and you haven't asked a single girl to dance or hit on me."

John was still trying to wrap his mind around the concept. _Me? Gay! Do I give off a scent or something? Nobody's ever called me gay, except her! Why is that any girls I like always think I'm weird?_ "I am **not** gay!" "Are **you** a lesbian?"

"Why would you think that?" Wanda asked, eyebrow raised.

"Well, if I were to think you were gay- which I don't, not really- and I were to base my reasons on the same reasons you used: you live in a house full of guys, and yet you perpetually have no date, you refuse all date/dance invitations, you haven't flirted with me- not that I'm surprised, mind you, and the only contact you have is female."

"Smart ass," Wanda muttered. "I just don't know you very well."

"Ditto," said John, stirring his drink. "But still- are you always this blunt?"

"You say blunt, I say straight to the point," Wanda retorted.

"Whatever sheila," said John, shaking his head.

Wanda cocked her head. "Sheila?"

"It's an Aussie thing," John said, trying to dismiss it.

"You're really weird," said Wanda. She turned back to the club at large, watching Rogue shove Remy out of the booth. "Damn, that boy's persistent."

"He's like a love-sick puppy at the base," John agreed.

"Puppy? I don't see it."

Now John cocked his head. "You know what? You're right. He's more of a koala kind of guy."

Wanda suddenly turned to face him, and John noticed he was close enough to kiss her. _Dammit!_ "**What!"**

John quickly turned to face Remy. "Well, look at him. He's oddly attractive to women, fuzzy-"

"How is he fuzzy?"

"The goatee and the funky headband thingy."

"Oh. Right. Go on."

"He can hold onto something like there's no tomorrow, and bites, well, blows things up, but it's the same idea."

"Koalas bite?"

"If you move them from their tree and they wake up enough, yeah. Bloody painful, too."

"Australia sounds interesting."

"Ah, no, it's boring."

"Why would you say that?"

"You have to have permits to burn things, gets real dry- at least in my town they did."

Wanda laughed. "Oh, of course." She smirked.

Remy and Rogue came walking over and joined them. "Kitty's started off on a gossip spiel," Rogue explained. "She can go on for hours like that."

"Shouldn't we rescue Pete?" John asked.

"Don' bother," Remy responded. "Look at him. Y' can almost see de little hearts poppin' over his head."

"Hey, John," said Wanda, tapping his shoulder. "Check out what's on TV."

John looked, and moaned. "Oh, god, anything but that..."

"Today, on The Crocodile Hunter!" an oh-so-cheesy voice-over guy announced.

Remy looked like he was trying not to laugh, as did Wanda.

"God, I hate that guy," John mumbled, face in his hands.

"Why?" Wanda inquired.

"Do you always ask so many questions?" John snapped.

"You're weird, like I said, so you're more interesting than most people." Wanda gazed at him expectantly.

"Well, that idiot Steve Irwin's got America thinkin' we Aussies are croc wrestlin', kangaroo ridin' backwater hicks on walkabout! Crocodile Dundee doesn't help- do you have **any** idea how many times I've been asked if I carry a Bowie knife since I came to this bloody country!"

"Ah know whatcha mean," Rogue agreed.

"How so?" John asked, perking up as someone flipped the channel to football.

"Evah heard any of the 'Ya Might be a Redneck if...s'?"

"No," said John and Wanda in unison.

Rogue groaned. "They insult Southern intelligence- which according to Jeff Foxworthy is non-existant. Like, 'Ya Might be a Redneck if... ya stare at a can of orange juice 'cause it says "concentrate".' Ah can't go **anywhere** without hearin' one o' those."

"_Oui._" Remy nodded. "Jeff Foxworthy is devil-spawn. What I hate is his Cajun analogy: 'rednecks wit' hot sauce!'" He twitched.

"I don't have that problem," Wanda said with a nasty grin. "No one before me's been scary enough."

Rogue suddenly perked up and she grabbed Remy's hand. "Come on, Ah love this song!" She dragged Remy onto the dance floor, Remy with a squeak of protest.

"This has been the weirdest conversation I've ever had," said Wanda. "Especially how much I've been saying 'weird.'"

"I'm just curious," said John. "Have you ever had a date?"

"No," said Wanda after a second. "Nobody's ever asked me. I tend to scare them off- except for Toad, and he's just so **disgusting**!" She shuddered. "What about you, then?" She inspected him.

"Do I give off a smell that suggests I'm single?"

"Maybe," Wanda replied with a shrug. "I wouldn't know. Ask Kitty."

John thought for a second. "Well, yeah, I've had dates, but most of them were in Australia, and the girls thought I was too weird and dumped me... then there was that stretch in juvie... the only long-standing relationship was with a firefighter." This made him extremely depressed.

"A firefighter?"

"Yeah, I didn't know she was one of **them**-" he twitched, "and she didn't know I was an arsonist. She got called to fight a fire and I went to help the poor thing, we bumped into each other, and I haven't spoken with her since." He shrugged.

"Go back a bit. Why were you in juvie?"

"In the city, you can't burn without a permit. You have to be sixteen to get a permit. I burned without a permit to protest having to burn with a permit and having to be sixteen to get a permit."

"How old were you at the time?"

"Fifteen," John replied with a shrug. "My mutant powers were all just manifesting and shit."

"Oh- oh my god!"

"What?"

Wanda pointed at the dance floor. "Look!"

A bit of a riot had broken out, since apparently the DJ hadn't gotten much sleep and was now playing nothing but Phil Collins songs.

Remy came stumbling over, looking out of breath. He sat down, panting. "_Dieu!_"

"How did you meet him?" Wanda asked, pointing at John.

"Um..." said Remy, blinking. "I found him tryin' t' dig his way outta juvie wit' a bottle cap."

"Hey!" John interjected. "That plan was genius! Ten years and the right amount of pressure and I would've been outside, dancing in the rain and smelling slightly of sulphur!"

"Y' were gettin' out in two weeks," Remy contrasted.

"It's the principle of the thing mate," John retorted.

"Where's Rogue?" Wanda asked.

Remy opened his mouth, and then closed it again. "Um... I don' know..." He blinked. "I kinda lost track o' her... _merde.._." He sounded as though he was just realizing that. Then he stood up. "I t'ink 'm gonna go look fer her..."

"Ok, that was weird," Wanda said.

"Yep."

The dance floor had calmed down quite a bit. John bit his lip, then stirred his drink. _Ok. This is the longest you've spent with a girl without being slapped or dumped or ditched. Just take a chance. She's naive and she's never danced, so how the hell could she say no?_ "So... want to dance?"

Wanda tapped her lips. "No. I like to dance, but I don't feel like it right now." She leaned forward and kissed him, as in on the lips. She backed off, grinning at him. "You're really weird. I like that." With that, she walked off, twirling the keys to Lance's jeep on her finger.

John sat there in absolute shock for about a minute. Then Remy and Rogue came back. "What happened to John?" Rogue asked, staring at him. "He's spaced out."

Remy inspected him. "Hmm. Dunno."

"She said no," said John.

"What?" Remy and Rogue chorused.

"She said no," John repeated. "I asked her to dance, and she said no, and then she kissed me. What in blue bloody hell was that all about?"

"Wanda's weird like that," said Rogue, catching on immediately. "She grew up isolated and shit so she doesn't really know the taboos of society. But she must like you. Ah don't think she's ever kissed anyone before."

"God, women are confusing," said John.

Remy looked like he wanted to agree but was afraid of getting smacked. "Are y' ok?

John stared at the bartop. "I've never had a woman willingly spend time in my company before while completely sober. I'm trying to cope. Just you wait. Two weeks from now I'll wake up in the middle of the night, yelling at the top of my lungs, 'SHE LIKES ME! YES!'"

Remy blinked. "Um..."

"Let's go back to Kitty, kay?" said Rogue, tugging on his arm. "Ah think Piotr's suffered enough, and John's startin' ta scare me."

(Mmm, that was weird, but I felt indulgent tonight. I enjoyed writing it. For the love of all things sacred, review!)


End file.
